Friday 3 May 2002

Hey, Hey - we’re the Monkees!

After the shock news that a monkey has been elected Mayor of Hartlepool the following policy statements have been leaked to F&W by moles inside Scotland’s political parties:

Liberal Democrats: We demand that bars are immediately removed from all prisons. So-called criminals should not be locked away in “human zoos”.

SNP: We are urgently upgrading our plans to run a slate of West Highland Terriers in next year’s election. No, we are not barking mad.

Conservatives: All monkeys are obviously French spies and were properly hanged in Hartlepool in the good old days. Lesser primates should be flogged.

Labour: We reiterate our support for the EU banana policy – not straight, not curved, but the middle way.