Liberal Democrats: We demand that bars are immediately removed from all prisons. So-called criminals should not be locked away in “human zoos”.
SNP: We are urgently upgrading our plans to run a slate of West Highland Terriers in next year’s election. No, we are not barking mad.
Conservatives: All monkeys are obviously French spies and were properly hanged in Hartlepool in the good old days. Lesser primates should be flogged.
Labour: We reiterate our support for the EU banana policy – not straight, not curved, but the middle way.