WHEN Jerry Hall opined that a woman should be a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room and a whore in the bedroom, it was clear she was open to playing a multitude of roles.This was Jerry's schedule:
But last night the Texan beauty outstripped her own advice by completing a challenge to portray six different characters in six different stage shows in a single night.
7:40 pm - Her Majesty's Theatre (Phantom of the Opera)
8:04 pm - Palace Theatre (Les Miserables)
8:35 pm - Aldwych Theatre (Fame)
8:55 pm - Phoenix Theatre (Blood Brothers)
9:25 pm - Theatre Royal (Anything Goes)
10:09 pm - London Palladium (Chitty Chitty Bang Bang)
By a most extraordinary coincidence this bears an uncanny resemblance to my own plans for Day 1 as First Minister for Scotland after my appointment by popular acclamation:
7:00 am - 103 of Scotland's 129 MSPs are dismissed for late arrival at work.
9:00 am - I meet the Chief Constables of Scotland's Police Forces and demand plans for the removal of political correctness from their organisations and the introduction of a radical new policy: catching burglars. Some officers do not return by the 9:20 deadline and proceed directly to the dole office.
10:00 am - Presentation to a group of taxpayers of the first free share certificates in the newly privatised Scottish Schools PLC. Tax consumers do not receive any certificates.
11:00 am - (You must understand that we are looking a little into the future) - An official ceremony is held to celebrate the victory of Kilmarnock Football Club in the final of the Champions' League.
3:00 pm - The First Minister addresses staff and shareholders at the Global Bank of Scotland Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.
10:00 pm - Large crowds cheer the First Minister as he arrives at Holyrood. In the world's most successful Internet auction, the rubble from the Scottish Parliament building has been pre-sold for £1,000 million, thus giving a profit of £5 to the Scottish taxpayer.
10:30 pm - Her Majesty walks across from Holyrood House and graciously presses the button that explodes the ghastly monument to socialism and bureaucracy.
11:00 pm - The Queen returns to the Palace with lady members of the cabinet to watch a repeat of EastEnders while the First Minister and the rest of the cabinet (accompanied by the Duke of Edinburgh) go on a mega pub crawl.