A modest proposal

A new weapon is being unleashed in the battle against Neds:

IT WILL be music to the ears of residents plagued by vandalism and anti-social behaviour – a Scottish supermarket is to blast out Beethoven and Mozart in a bid to deter loitering teenagers.

Staff at the Co-op in Port Seton, East Lothian, plan to rig up speakers to play classical tunes to put off the groups of youths who are congregating around its doors at night.

Yes I can see why that may work, but I have a more radical proposal.

First we need to hire a group of specialist workers. It may even be thought necessary for them to be paid out of taxation although I'm far from being convinced on that point. These workers would wear a distinctive outfit; perhaps we could call it a "uniform". We'd probably pick large men rather than small ladies for this role. The new recruits may even need to be provided with stab-proof vests. Perhaps the Home Secretary could suggest a design. I propose that these new workers be called "policemen" and it would be their job to "police" the streets and catch criminals. Yes, I know, a really radical suggestion, isn't it?

Next, we'd employ a second group of specialists. From my reading of ancient history we might find it appropriate to call these folk "judges" and "jurors". It would be their job to establish the innocence or guilt of those deemed by the first group of workers to have committed an offence. Needless-to-say these "offences" would, of necessity, require that there had been an actual victim, and the whole system would operate under a philosophy that I've dubbed "the presumption of innocence".

Well, I know that's a really radical plan. But who knows? It might just work! And if it does, may I please get the same kind of royalties that those Beethoven and Mozart chaps should have earned?