Warning: joining the Army may damage your health

No, it's not the enemy in front that you have to worry about; it's the health and safety inspector behind you:

But the skirl of the traditional Scottish bagpipes is now under threat - from health and safety inspectors.

Soldiers learning to play the revered instrument have been issued with strict new guidelines aimed at preventing servicemen suffering hearing problems.

We hear are told that:

Army experts tested the loudness and sound pressure of playing bagpipes in a variety of locations to the tune 'Kilworth Hills'.

Army experts! They abolish the Black Watch and bring in Her Majesty's Health and Safety Regiment. That'll put the wind up the enemy now the pipes can't.

I read that:

General Sir Michael Gow, formerly of the Scots Guards, said: "I have never heard such a silly idea in my life. It's the whole health and safety culture gone mad. Whoever comes up with these ideas shouldn't be paid and certainly shouldn't be listened to."

If Sir Michael weren't "formerly" before, he certainly would be now.

Apparently exemptions from the health and safety laws are "only applying when the forces are on active service." I'm sure that'll be fixed ASAP.