Another boring week in Scottish politics

Everyone's heard about the recent attack on Scottish property rights. I can't really say that I was surprised that smoking in "public places" (mainly private actually) is to be banned. After all, banning things is what turns MSPs on and how they must have revelled in last week's worldwide publicity over the onward march of the Scottish Nanny. But even I couldn't have foreseen what would happen next.

On the same day as voting to ban smoking in a whole range of private premises a Liberal Democrat MSP was caught smoking a cigar in a no smoking zone inside the hallowed portals of the Scottish parliament building itself. In an almost Clintonesque explanation, Mr Purvis said:

"It wasn't in the office, it was out of a window in the MSP block."

Aha! Well that's all right then, but how the Scottish people, smokers and non-smokers alike, laughed.

Next we heard the extraordinary news that Tommy Sheridan was no longer leader of the Scottish Socialists. I am finding it difficult to keep up with the changing rumours about whether the Great Prole resigned or was fired by the other comrades but it does seem that he is to spend more time with his family. On to the next story.

Almost all of the 129 MSPs, together with assorted hacks (but sadly not yours truly), spent Thursday evening at the Scottish Politician of the Year event at the Prestonfield House hotel in Edinburgh. No doubt strong drink was consumed, and nothing wrong with that. At around two in the morning a curtain caught fire in the hotel's foyer. Shortly afterwards another curtain was on fire in another room. Then we read this extraordinary news item:

Lord Watson of Invergowrie, the MSP for Glasgow Cathcart, was arrested following claims that a curtain was set on fire at the five-star Prestonfield House Hotel during a parliamentary awards ceremony attended by the First Minister and a host of Scottish politicians.

I have no idea of whether or not Watson did set fire to the curtains - and where was Holmes when he's needed, one asks. Is it not possible that Watson crept away from the crowd to have a quick smoke behind the curtains? Smoking's not yet illegal in bars but it wouldn't look too good to light up in front of the press a few days after voting to ban the very same activity. Perhaps Mike had a little accident with his matches. As the Sun would put it, you couldn't make it up.

I am sure that the whole Scottish nation is giving thanks that our lawmakers didn't perish in some terrible conflagration. This providential deliverance must be properly commemorated in years to come. We already celebrate Guy Fawkes Night on the 5th of November. Scotland must hold its own devolved bonfire night on November 12th each year. We can all let off fireworks (blue and white of course) and burn effigies of the failed Prestonfield pyrotechnician. Whoever he or she may turn out to be.