Mr Brown's Britain

I had a day off work yesterday and decided to finalise the employer’s annual tax returns for my own company. This is a very small organisation although I’m pleased to say that I am far more solvent than General Motors. The tax authorities sent me the usual P35(2004)(2) form but not the P14(Manual)(2004-05) forms that need to be sent back with the P35. Needless to say, I wasn’t sent the P11D(b) form that also needs to be completed. These forms can be ordered from the Inland Revenue (now renamed HM Revenue and Customs) but I wanted to do it now and get the damned thing off my desk. The local tax office is only a few minutes walk away and so I set off. Last year I was told that I could avoid the large queue of folk waiting to be interviewed and go directly to the back office and pick up the necessary forms.

When I reached the front door of the tax office yesterday I noticed a man standing outside having a quick smoke. One of the staff, I assumed. Not so. The automatic door opened as I approached and an Inland Revenue “worker” held up his hand and pronounced: “Because of Health & Safety Regulations you can’t come in until some other “clients” leave.” I explained that I merely wanted to collect some forms and he agreed to take my list inside but I wasn’t allowed to enter.

After a while another “client” left and the smoker was allowed into the building, telling me: “This is what we pay our taxes for.” I observed that the “Health & Safety Regulations” had resulted in his having an extra cigarette! Eventually I was allowed into the hallowed premises and was given the P14 forms. The P11D(b) form proffered was for the 2003/04 tax year and I was told: “Just alter the date and it “should” be OK.” I expressed doubt and was then asked: “Have you ever used the Internet? You can download this year’s form.” Off I went only to find that the advice was wrong. The Revenue website still only allows access to the out-of-date form. The P35 and P14 forms have now gone off in time to meet the 19th May deadline and I await postal delivery of the P11D(b), which must go back by early July. I confidently expect to fulfil my historic role as the last private sector employer and employee in Britain.