Only four weeks to go

I had my first election experience on the way home tonight when I called into Ryrie's Bar for my evening pint. The guy next to me had a pile of Labour leaflets on the bar and I engaged him in conversation. He asked me how I was going to vote and I replied that I had yet to make up my mind. Good, he said: "Take one of these." I explained that voting Labour was out of the question *, also that I wouldn't be voting for the LibDems (who are based across the street), and probably not for the SNP. He then spotted that I was wearing a tie and suddenly realised that I might be - shock, horror - a Tory.

I confessed that I had voted that way in the past but was now in a quandary. The Conservatives had supported ID cards and I am against them. That mystified him somewhat: surely a "right-winger" would favour them? I complained that the Tories had failed to propose a modest reduction in state spending such as, for starters, abolishing the NHS and privatising schools. He was now in need of another pint or something stronger. On the other hand, I confessed that the prospect of a hitherto unexpected Labour defeat meant that I could be tempted to vote Tory after all. But then I drew his attention to the coming bankruptcy of state pension schemes, a likely crash in house prices (perhaps triggered off by the liquidation of General Motors), an inevitable firing of masses of government workers (sic), the reduction of the Scottish block grant and all sorts of events every one of which would be blamed on whomever was in power at the time even if they all happened the day after the election. So maybe it would be best if Tony and/or Gordon got back in. I think that at least one Labour canvasser is now thoroughly confused.

(* What's the point in being a Banana Republic without the hot weather?)